I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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