Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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