im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
