...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
