Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
