I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
This is the high leading the old right now
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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