Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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