That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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