And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
