this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You may now shotgun with the bride
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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