I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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