chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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