I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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