we're chasing vodka with high fives
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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