you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I don't deserve a penis
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
