I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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