WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
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