My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So much Jack, so little girl.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
