I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Apple has a Lot to Explain to iPhone X Customers
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
People Asked The Internet Questions About their Private Parts And The Results Are Hilarious
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry