Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.