Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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