my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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