Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I want to stick my p in your. b.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
