I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
