the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
