i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
