She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
