Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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