I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
