apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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