Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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