No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Four minutes until I can fart!
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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