Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
