Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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