I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
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You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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