Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
