i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
