Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
