Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
