you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
