I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
