it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
