I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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