I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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