i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
