Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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