That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
