I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
