The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
