Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I think I died a long time ago.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
