So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
