Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
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I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Be still, my beating vagina.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
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Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
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