Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
