i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
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She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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