i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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