my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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