I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
